I don’t believe there is enough compassion in the world, I don’t know where it went but there is a definite shortage.
I feel blessed to be part of the sober community where there is compassion and empathy in bucket loads. Until I had counselling almost a decade ago I hadn’t known how powerful compassion and empathy could be.
What makes me really sad is the complete lack of compassion we have for ourselves. Self compassion is becoming a bit of a buzz word like self care, but often it is only surface.
True self compassion is being aware of how we speak to ourselves and being kind when we speak to ourselves.
As humans we make mistakes and things go wrong about as often as they go right. Often an individuals reaction is to chastise ourselves, we will call ourselves derogatory names and sneer at our suffering. There is a self righteous little critic inside our heads is always waiting to jump on the self reproach band wagon
Would you speak to a loved one like that? Would you intentionally increase someones pain and discomfort by calling them names ?
However if we do the opposite of what that self righteous little critic says, we are practising self compassion.
There is a compassion cloud inside all of us, I know this because we often show compassion to others. Our little compassion cloud can be used to be kind to ourselves.
Self compassion is when we recognise we are supposed to be imperfect and make mistakes, self compassion is accepting our mistakes with sympathy and kindness. Self compassion is acknowledging sometimes, suffering and inadequacy is part of being human and that it really is ok to get it wrong.
The more we practice self compassion the bigger it grows, and the smaller that reactive arse, the self critic gets.
Lets make compassion cool again and lets start with ourselves.
Exciting things are afoot in the world of sunbeam sobriety.
I have decided to collaborate my counselling skills and knowledge, with the lived experience of my sober journey. I’m starting up my own business.
What exactly is a sober facilitator?
Since getting sober, I have always wanted to give something back. I have waited for three years, not only until I achieved my degree, I waited until I was established in my sobriety, so I can ethically and professionally offer my clients the best possible service.
The sober facilitator service launches on Independence day, which feels appropriate. I can support you in claiming back your independence from alcohol
Check out sunbeam sobriety on Facebook Twitter and Instagram
Its been a while since I have written on here. But I set myself a goal at new years to write at least once a month. Here is April
Covid – 19
My world like everyone else’s was turned upside down a few weeks ago, I first became aware of Coronavirus while we were visiting New York in January, it seemed like most other times flu makes the headlines, it probably wasn’t going to impact me too much.
Fast forward a few weeks and within 48 hours my placements were all cancelled at uni, then uni closed. I came home angry that day at what I thought was a massive over reaction, to find my 16 year old daughter in pieces that her GCSE’s had been cancelled. The thing she had been working towards for year had gone!
That’s when it hit me
I now understand that saying its like being hit by a ton of bricks, I felt my knees buckle and in that instant I almost walked straight out the door to buy wine, but I held fast and tried to calm the situation in my kitchen.
The next few days seem like a blur looking back but I’m fairly sure I fell apart, the kids continued at school for another couple of days and I cried, I struggled to get out of bed and I thought about wine…….a lot! I told myself there is no point staying sober when the world has gone to shit, and that was it, life I as knew it had gone. The first Monday morning of lockdown I got the kids up to do P.E with Joe and I cried, I felt scared, I felt confused and most of all I felt alone!
I was going through the motions without really connecting to the world around me, this disconnection is the wine witches best friend, it keeps us isolated and weakens our resolve, I’m lucky
I have good sober support online but I stopped checking in and pretty much stuck my head in the sand. Then came the anger god I was angry! Anger is a feeling that is very uncomfortable for me (most feelings are pretty uncomfortable for people used to numbing every feeling for years) one I don’t like dealing with. When it all seemed too much I began to recognise where I was…..
Grief and early sobriety
I was grieving, I like everyone else on the planet had suffered a big loss. According to there are 5 stages to grief
Made up of avoidance (yep) confusion (definitely) shock, fear (most certainly) and elation (not this time, but very normal). My urge to drink would have provided the perfect way to avoid what was going on.
Frustration, irritation (erm yes, anger was very prevalent), anxiety abso-bloody-lutely! I’ve worked out that when I feel anxious it quite often shows itself as anger (think fight or flight)
Overwhelm, helplessness and hostility yep all 3 usually at once
Struggling to find meaning ( yep) Telling ones story, i did this so much, i kept almost comparing how badly we had been impacted to how others had been impacted. this seems really selfish and self centred but its perfectly normal and can make us feel better if people hear us and we don’t feel so alone.
Finally we get to acceptance, this is often where we relinquish control, we accept that we are unable to change this situation and look for ways to find a new normal. I was so bloody relieved to get here but as is usual it didn’t last. That’s the problem with grief these stages aren’t linear. We can hop back and forth, feel them out of order and and all at once.
Looking for landmarks
I am a person who does not know her left from her right, this can cause issues but most of the time it is funny. When I travel, and begin exploring I look for landmarks to get me back to my hotel. Because not knowing my left and right affects my sense of direction I use this relatively successfully, what i couldn’t find when lockdown began was my landmarks, I couldn’t find anything familiar about where we were and worse I didn’t know how to get back to base.
Then it hit me
This was so like those early days of sobriety I couldn’t believe it had taken me so long to recognise it. the similarities were staring me in the face, once again everything was different, I didn’t know how to be in this scary new world, anxiety, sleepless nights, confusion, loneliness, bargaining, denial. It strikes me now that I also grieved my drinking days in early sobriety but like a bad boyfriend it had to go. Finally I had found my Landmark, I had been here before and what I had to do was feel the feelings, trust the process and connect!
Connect I did
Starting with my sober circle, I got more active on my various platforms to connect to my wonderful sober buddies. Video calls began to uni friends and I began connecting better to those in the same house. I have just set up a Sunbeam Sobriety Facebook group in the hope of increasing connections as I see many sober warriors struggling with sobriety
Please reach out to your sober friends we have a tendency to lose landmarks and isolate when times get tough
And we all know connection is the opposite of addiction
Uni is in its final months for me, which means I haven’t had much time to write so today’s blog is just some musings from the last few weeks.
In 2011 I went to counselling for the 1st time, it was long overdue and I had probably been needing to go since about 1991. But that British stiff upper lip meant all things emotional got swept under the carpet, in the hope that they would just go away.
Anyway 2011 is when I first heard about the concept of the boiling frogs, my counsellor at the time (the very same woman who inspired my current journey into the counselling realm). Told me a story about boiling frogs, she told me how apparently you can boil a frog to death, if you place it in a pan of cold water and slowly turn up the heat. The same doesn’t apply if you drop a frog in boiling water as it will just jump out, but slowly, turn up the heat it will sit there in pain and discomfort until it boils to death. You may think at this point she probably wasn’t a very good counsellor but I can assure you this was never a practical counselling session, purely theoretical and as far as I know she never actually boiled a frog.
So why did the counsellor tell me such a story, well its an analogy for life, and it was very relevant to where I was at that point in my life, which was divorce and its been very relevant several times over.
In relation to drinking, you can apply the boiling frog theory as well. When i was drinking, I was aware that I was very, very unhappy, yet I did not know what to do, so I just stayed where I was, boiling away, miserable, hot and pretty uncomfortable. At some point I needed to get out of the boiling water, that just seemed impossible. Firstly I would need to find the energy to jump, and somehow I knew, there would be blisters, burns and pain to deal when jumped out. So, it felt easier sat there bubbling away. I had been there so long by this point, that I didn’t know any other way to live.
But jump I did! and guess what, it was uncomfortable, I did have lots of wounds to heal, which took time, self care and a level of being kind to myself that I had never known I was capable of. A few times I jumped back in that pan, just because I thought the water might have cooled, or that boiling in a pan was easier. Each time I jumped back out with the realisation that, no! Life was better outside that pan, even wounded and scarred, life was better when I wasn’t constantly bubbling away.
I met other frogs who had been in the same place and these became my tribe, we set about being kind to each other which goes a long way to healing those burns.
Life is good now but there are times I feel like a boiling frog again (no longer a drinking analogy) I’m uncomfortable at the minute, uni is hard, really, really hard and I’m in a constant state of anxiety. But I know that this is temporary, I actively look for healthy ways to ease the discomfort these days, I reach out to friends, I book a massage, I take care of myself as best I can. This makes sure I am resilient enough to pass through the discomfort and come out the other side
Bad days will happen and stressful times will happen but they don’t define me anymore or keep me stuck in that bloody pan!
Slight change of topic but its worth a mention, a few weeks a go I decided I was going to get fit, I committed to 3x a week on my cross trainer, but being an impatient sort, I thought I would try something different. I decided on weight training. I found myself a beginners course and off I popped, I’ve barely been able to walk since.
In hindsight I applied the same mentality to squats that I did to drinking, go hard and regret it tomorrow and quite frankly the pain in my legs is lasting as long as my hangovers did.
However, as I have mentioned this pain and questioned my future in the sport of weight lifting, to friends, several have said come running with me! Or running is better for you, you should do that. ‘I don’t like running’ I reply. Which is usually met with 2 responses, ah no-one likes it to start with, you get used to, or you must be doing it wrong I love it! Er, I’ve been able to run for quite a lot of years I’m fairly sure I know how to do it and I spent enough years miserable I am not going to actively go out and do something I don’t like. Because despite the pain I am in, I enjoyed my first night strength training.
I never realised there was so much peer pressure in exercise and and fed up of it, I DON’T LIKE RUNNING! I make a point of looking for things that challenge me in ways I’m likely to enjoy, running is like purgatory to me, so please stop with the pressure.
Luckily being sober I’m happy to be a bit different but in the beginning of my sobriety I did try running even though I hated it, I did it because all my friends were doing it, so I felt it must be good and the fact I didn’t get along with it meant there was something wrong with me…….much like my drinking career actually.
So I’ ll stick with my cross trainer and the weight training but I’ll ease up on the squats until I get stronger.
And for all you boiling frogs out there, make the leap, its worth it
(no amphibians were harmed in the making of this blog)
In the two and half years since I have got sober, I have travelled more than I did in the decade leading up to 2017. This is a combination of having more money, energy and confidence to travel. Holidays in the wasted years were hard fought for, rarely could I afford to go every year and didn’t always get abroad. I do realise I am lucky to have achieved that, but the fact remains money was tight because of my drinking. In the two and a half years since I quit I have saved in excess of 8K! and that’s a conservative calculation. When I set up my sober counter app, I put down £10 a day ( 2 bottles of vinegary plonk for a tenner), I did’t include the fact I was smoking which essentially doubled my daily spend. I also didn’t include that I usually drank much more at the weekends, or on nights out, then there’s replacing lost items, phone screens, broken shoes. ripped clothes, days off from work, drunken take away’s, or carby hangover food, the list could go on, its safe to say the actual amount much much more.
That’s not to say I’m sat on a pile of money, I just know that I can afford to go away more, we have way more treats as a family now and I no longer have to buy everything from sale rails. (Still love a bargain, I’m from Yorkshire after all).
Forcing down the poison
One of our big holidays when I was drinking was to Mexico, it took us 2 years to save for that trip and quite frankly I had a shit time, I had a shit time because I was drinking. The 16 day trip is a blur . Being the classy bird I was, I decided to work my way through the cocktail menu and actually ended up having to force drinks down. Its all inclusive right? You have to get your moneys worth. Even then, that day forcing down god knows what ( they all tasted the same), it didn’t occur to me that maybe drinking wasn’t so much fun anymore. In fact I believed the myth that I needed to drink to have fun. That belief is so very ingrained in our culture I never even thought to question it.
Once I removed alcohol I actually discovered what fun felt like, well actually once I removed alcohol I actually discovered what it was like to feel anything.
The absolute worst thing about that Mexico holiday was the jet lag, it took me 3 weeks to recover, I was going insane with the exhaustion, it put me off long haul flights completely until…. well until I got sober. Looking back it could well have been a 3 week hangover on top of extreme jet lag, it was just horrible.
I don’t think I’ll ever be flying’s biggest fan, I’m quite small but I don’t like being cramped in spaces, and don’t get me started on seat recliners ( selfish bunch of b******* they are,) we’re all cramped dude, not sure why you feel your comfort is more important than mine.
But I’ll tolerate flying to keeping ticking off my bucket list
Having just returned from New York, I have been pretty jet lagged, on top of the miles and miles we walked while there, I have managed to recover quickly, with much less drama than the Mexico holiday.
The best bit
The absolute best bit of sober travel is seeing the world through clear eyes, experiencing things that you would never have done when drinking, I have swam in an Olympic pool half way up a mountain, I’ve seen snow in central park ( I nearly cried), I’ve fallen in love with travelling by subway/underground/ metro, it feels so exciting every time I step into a station, I’ve jumped off cliffs (under supervision) into crystal clear waters, I’ve seen multi- coloured fountains dance to cheesy 80’s music and I’m just getting started. Do you know what I did on holidays past? I parked my arse nearest the pool bar and didn’t move for a fortnight.
I went to Barcelona for my first sober city break and fell in love, I came home bursting with stories of my experiences and adventure. A friend of a friend said told me there hadn’t been that much to do when they visited a few years earlier (Cue Vicki’s confused face, Barcelona is pretty old, I’m fairly sure there’s always been plenty to do), turns out she meant there wasn’t much to do when you slept off your hangover for most of the day and then hit the bars.
Fresh eyes are an actual thing when you quit drinking, once the puffiness goes down ( its there I promise) the world becomes techni colour again, its exciting and wonderful, I often feel excitement bubbling up in my chest at the thought of brand new experiences, I’m like a child and I hope beyond hope it never goes away, I missed so much through drinking I feel like I’m trying to grab everything at once ….. patience is not my strong point.
Here’s to living
I started this blog saying I had travelled more in the last two and a half years, than the decade prior, its occurred to me that I’ve lived more in the last two and a half years than I had in the two decades prior. I used to get sad and angry about the years wasted but for whatever reason I wasn’t ready for my freedom until Sept 17. It hasn’t been easy but one thing I do is celebrate my sober wins, however big or small I do a little happy dance inside every time I achieve something that would have not been possible while I was drinking, and after the best part of two decades there is a lot. I made a choice not to remain angry or sad because that just means more time wasted on booze, its had enough of my life, its time for me to start living on my terms.
I made it! and I’m in love! I arrived on Saturday and it snowed. I love snow, so walking through Central Park on Saturday evening was a dream come true for me. I actually felt quite emotional and reflecting upon why…..its because I never thought I deserved to do amazing things like travel to fantastic cities. Luckily through sobriety, I have realised my worth and that life is for living.
My emotional journey continued on Sunday, wide awake at 5am we decided to explore the city and were out and about by 6am. It was magical, Times Square was empty so lots of opportunities for pictures, we found a diner that was open had pancakes and were at the top of the Rockefeller Centre by 8am. I blame jet lag for the early start, but thank sobriety for feeling great, while being awake at that time. This meant we were able to spend a magical few hours in the city without the crowds. Getting to the ‘top of the rock’ is also a massive achievement, terrified of heights for as long as I can remember, I shocked myself at not only getting up there but going outside and actually enjoying it
Sunday went from great to amazing
Then it was time to head back to the hotel to shower and change ready for a very important date I had at noon. The date was a little delayed by me turning up at the wrong restaurant and having to hail a cab (check me out), then racing 30 blocks to the right restaurant. This type of mistake happens to me more than I care to mention but I blame a super busy brain missing important info from time to time (that’s my excuse and I’m sticking with it).
Anyway back to the very important date… I was lucky enough to meet two wonderful women who are also on this same sobriety journey. An international sober social!
Connection is the opposite of addiction
Cathleen and Debra were my brunch buddies along with the lovely Brandi (Debra’s daughter) and my partner Richard. As with all the sober sisters I’ve met there was an instant connection and it was amazing, we talked like we had known each other for years and I felt so happy to be with some members from my tribe. I’ve met up with several wonderfully, smart, strong beautiful women through this sober path and each time is as fantastic as the last. Check out what Johann Hari has to say about connection being the opposite of addiction – its bloody true!
If you can be anything be a unicorn
It can be a lonely path sobriety, I prefer to think of it, like being a unicorn ( I would wouldn’t I). Its lonely because we are brainwashed from a young age to think that alcohol is the answer to all out prayers and that if you have a drink problem then you are weak! Which is when people judge. We’re not weak alcohol is designed to make us want more, its dangerous and thank goodness for this sober movement that people are pushing back against this drug. Anyway I digress……
To all the sober warriors I’ve been lucky enough to meet
Debra, Cathleen, Helen, Sara, Sharon, Susie, Rhoda, Joanne, Jenny, Louise, and Janice, its been a pleasure to meet you, and long may my sober travels continue, I hope I get to meet more of us on this path. Its a great reason to travel and I may have taken a sneaky peek at flights today (don’t tell Rich).
Magic does happen
Our stories are always unique to us but so very similar, drink stop us being who we were meant to be and through sobriety we have taken our power back. With the return of the power comes amazing things, like travelling 3 and a half thousand miles to meet your sober sisters, or getting to the top of the rock and not crying, or getting straight back in the lift back down. That power brought back my self worth and because of that I got to walk through Central Park in the snow holding back the tears because it was so bloody amazing.
Last night I invented affirmation/happiness balloons (its a working title 😉), while I am sure I’m not the only person to come up with this idea. I’ve never seen them before and thought they were a lovely way to spread some kindness
My middle daughter turns 16 today and I wanted to do something a little bit different but a little bit special 🎈
Enter…. affirmation/happiness balloons. I inflated 16 balloons and wrote single words I felt related to her, or small sentences hoping to inspire confidence and adventure.
There isn’t enough kindness in this world and key to my sobriety has been, being kind to myself. Once you allow kindness in it multiplies and we get to share it out. But often when we’re locked in a cycle of endless hangovers and wine o’clock it’s easy to forget how to be kind to ourselves. Or worse we feel alcohol is a kindness or a treat 🙄 but take it from someone who knows, anything that alters your mind and makes you feel rough, ain’t good for you.
I don’t get hangovers me!
Fibber! I said this exact sentence, many, many times over. What I didn’t realise was I was just constantly hungover, only when I removed alcohol from my life, did I discover it was possible to feel happy in the mornings, that going to bed early is a pleasure. I have more energy than ever and I actually have brain space to do and share nice things (see above invention).
The biggest kindness I gave myself was sobriety, as an extra bonus my mental health improved a thousand fold. Gone is the constant anxiety, worrying, second guessing, the sick churning feeling has gone! It hasn’t gone away totally, we’re supposed to have a little anxiety. I am anxious about sharing my story with you guys and I’m currently very anxious about a trip I’m going on next week, but I know it’s a mix of nerves, excitement and I will not let the fear stop me from going or sharing my story
Be kind to yourself
I hope my daughter liked her little words of kindness this morning (she’s 16 it’s difficult to tell 🤣) I’m taking some time out of my day to be kind to myself and going out for lunch, before the family gets together for a visit to Pizza Express tonight. With the added bonus of the epic alcohol free selection they do there.
Kindness is catching
Remember be kind to yourself today, you deserve it even if you just treat yourself to a balloon and write something lovely on the ribbon