Memories

Facebook memories are a funny old thing aren’t they. After my last break up I had to spend a year deleting the memories each day, which was tedious and not always a great way to start the day.

By far my biggest break-up has been the one from wine, pinot, to be precise. As a retired blackout artist, pinot did a good job of deleting lots of my memories, but some that made it to Facebook, have remained. This is because however cringeworthy they remind me why sobriety is the positive choice for me.

Take this one for instance, a typical vino/ realxing bath combo, but what happens when we look a little closer?

I would have decided I needed justification, and validation for drinking on a school night, what better way than fishing for likes on fb? My brain will have told me to chuck in that bath bomb that had been lurking at the back of the cupboard for good measure, thats sure to up the likes 🙄

I press post and wait for the likes to roll in. I sit there all smug because…..well if everyone is liking my bath bomb, ethanol combo there can’t be anything wrong can there? Everyone is doing it and its perfectly normal.

Except

My bath would not have been the relaxing hours of bliss my Facebook photo was portraying…. nah I would have sat in said bath for all of 20mins. Pretended I was relaxed and cosmopolitan, with my ethanol and bath bomb combo.

I would have had a couple of glasses before getting in the bath, so that tiny glass would have lasted all of 15mins. Then I would be sat there, in my sweet smelling surroundings telling myself I was relaxed and this was heavenly, and no more than I deserved. After all my life was full of stress, sadly what I didnt realise at the time was wine was causing most of my stress, but that’s another blog for another day.

No actual relaxing would take place, I would be agitated that my glass was getting emptier by the second. There were times I would sneak the bottle upstairs with me but I couldn’t always get away with that. After telling myself I was super relaxed after my lightening fast bath, I would be out, and stumble off on the hunt for more pinot.

Everytime this memory comes around, I roll my eyes at the stories I used to tell myself to justify my drinking. This serves as a good reminder of the toxic relationship I had with booze and its not a memory that I want to delete any time soon.

Right I’m off for a relaxing bath, see you in a couple of hours

Till next time

Vicki xx

Reflections

I missed May’s blog! I’m so annoyed with myself but I was busy writing a dissertation. So rather than beat myself up forever and quit blogging (like drinking Vicki would do) I’ve decided to forgive myself and carry on.

So that’s that, uni is over! Which begs the question what next? And the answer is I’m not entirely sure. But what I have been doing is reflecting on where and who I am today, opposed to when I started uni. My uni journey and sober journey have been very much entwined from the start and I haven’t known one without the other.

I would absolutely recommend anyone getting sober does a counselling course or at least has some counselling. The journey we go on into sobriety demands some difficult truths and deep insights but i fully believe this work I have done on myself is what has lead to sobriety sticking this time, there’s a saying in sobriety that is ‘feel the feelings’ but what does’t get mentioned so much is how do we learn to deal with the feelings? Hell, we have been numb for so long it makes sense to have support while we learn to deal with the feelings. I guess I’m lucky I had a bunch of trainee counsellors propping me up while i learned how to feel the feelings.

I was a defensive little bugger when I started uni, and wasn’t going to mention my sobriety I thought I could just get a long with life and not really think about. I was wrong! If i was going to do sobriety right I had to accept it as part of me and be proud of it! Not the dirty little secret I was treating it as.

So I started to embrace my sobriety, I shared it with a few people I was getting close to and I allowed it into my soul, sobriety was becoming a part of me. My clothes began to change, gone was the drab, bright colours began to reside in my wardrobe. I’m fairly sure on several occasions I turned up looking like I had jumped in my wardrobe wriggled about a bit and worn whatever fell on me, but I didn’t care I was finding out who I was. The more I embraced my sobriety the more confident I became, I wasn’t happy anymore staying silent and hoping I went unnoticed.

I began having opinions and valid ones at that, I was making friends and finally I realised I was happy.

Drinking kept me quiet, it kept me trapped, it took away my opinions, it took away my colours, life was grey and hunched over when I was drinking, sobriety was pink hair and big ideas!

So I am sad my time at uni is over, but forever grateful I got to do it. I guess now it’s time I grow up, get a big girls job and be a contributing member of society. But i’ll do it with happiness in my heart my sobriety held safely in my hand and probably with pink hair!

Till next time

Vicki